The Path to Decay
by gpelous
Summary: On Virmire, Shepard chose to let Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams in charge of the bomb. Problem is, he never made it back.And now he struggle with the loss of the woman he came to love. Earthborn/Akuze Shep. Chapter 3 added. Please review. T for expression
1. Chapter 1 Virmire, the Aftermath

_Disclaimer : I do not own any of mass effect. Wish I did though_

_Author note : I am not a native english speaker so you will find some glitches here and there. You are welcome to notice me of the errors you'll find. And all reviews will be appreciated._

**The Path to Decay**

_Chapter one_

He knew her, he knew she was special. This perfect mix of toughness, cockiness and sensibility. Her way to tell you "I can kill a krogan while telling poetry". That's why it had to be her. She could get the job done like no one else. No one else... and she did. Virmire and the Krogan army will not raise and support Saren uprising.  
He let this thought sink in, while the debrief goes on. He keeps a straight face through it, supporting a fluttering Kaidan, answering to the council.  
But alone in his bunk, he snaps. Akuze. The screams, the thresher maw, the horror of loosing his mates, one by one, because they stepped up and he just fired from cover. The gut-wrenching is too familiar. Why didn't he run to her rescue?

"Raaah!"  
It explodes through him. All the frustration, all the hatred. The wall, and his right fist, are the first victims of his anger. The flashes come. "skipper" "say jump I say how high", the fights... She always had his back and he trusted her for it. Knowing gunnery chief Williams is at your side is a reassuring feeling...Either on Noveria, Feros, she was always here. She had seen everything and for the first time since Akuze, he felt at ease during ground mission.  
She was already much more than a soldier to him. Maybe that's why he left her behind, to protect himself from her...  
The table snaps, blood spur from his yet to be bandaged wounds and he fells, against the wall,exhausted.

"this is what a hero looks like"he says ironically. A wrecked train, who just lost the only person able to take the helm.

The screams come back...

_he fires every round, grinding his way through the acid-eaten bodies of his unit. The Thresher maw is coming back, he has to find a cover. It is out, screaming. Then all goes blank, no recollection whatsoever. Just the memory of waking up in the trenches, surrounded by the corpses and the guilt piling up, when he finds his squad mates torn to pieces by the acid and the claws...There is no hope to escape this, no. This is not a simulation, just plain reality._

The nightmare still haunts him. Every now and then, he wakes up, drenched in sweat, his scars burning. It was when most of his talks with Williams happened. She had trouble with her sleep too, because of her first starboard assignment.

_They drink to honor the First Contact War. _

"_What would have you done, Commander?"_

"_you mean, with no food, not knowing if backup was coming and with rocks falling out of the sky?"_

"_Yeah..."_

"_You can only resist to a point. And General Williams went far beyond that"he says, looking deeply at his scotch. "I wish I never have to take a decision like this" he thinks_

"_A shame you weren't in the Alliance at this time, Skipper. Might have saved my father a lot of trouble"She smiles and raises her glass. Oh, how much he loves those eyes..._

Trouble. He always seemed to attract it. He wasn't even born that his father died in a car crash. His mother followed at the exact time he screamed for the first time. The orphanage, then breaking free on the street. The gangs. Finally, the Alliance, as soon as he could register, to flee the Earth, get a chance to hold on his life. And even there, it didn't stop, Macapa boot camp, and there on, because he "fortunately" posted good scores, he was assigned to various missions he escaped holding barely on his feet. Then Akuze...

_The hospital, the wish to leave and get a job behind a desk. But the assignment is already on the table. SSV Normandy, as XO. He goes through the reeducation process, hides his inner demons, buries them as deep as he can. But everyone wants to know how he survived. They care about the story, not about the man and the wounds he carries. So he put on a straight face and recites the text he wrote after the third interview. How brave his squad-mates were. That he will always remember their sacrifice. And he does, in more ways than one can count. The scars, first, visible every morning in the mirror. And the only picture he has in his room. His squad. Before they were sent there._

He thought Akuze was dead with the Thresher maw he killed on Edolas. This was it. It was the payback mission. He went all in, wearing his heart on his sleeves as he fired round after round with his HMWA X. This was crazy but it was all he needed. When it came down, all the adrenaline came off and he barely made it to the Mako. Once in his room, he fell on his bed and finally made peace with his demons. At least, that's what he thought.

It is not like Akuze. Here, he was in command. He could... He should... He had to! He should have died in her place, taking responsibility for his choices. But now, she is gone. And there is nothing else you can do. Nothing... He lays here for what seems hours for him, going through everything they had shared. And finally, the soldier take over. You don't replace such a fine gunner. You don't replace such woman. You don't replace gunnery chief Ashley Williams. No medal can give her enough credit.  
For the first time in his wrecked life, he prays. Hope she has gone to a place where a worthiness is rightfully recognized.  
"rest in peace, Ash"  
And gone is the man. All that's left is Commander Shepard, survivor of a nest of thresher maw on Akuze, first human spectre and commander of the SSV Normandy.

The rest is dead.


	2. Chapter 2 Grounded

_Disclaimer : I do not own any of mass effect. Wish I did though_

_Author note : I am not a native english speaker so you will find some glitches here and there. You are welcome to notice me of the errors you'll find. And all reviews will be appreciated._

**Chapter Two**

**Grounded **

After all they had done. He is inches away from Saren, all he need is the authorization to leave the citadel. And Udina won't allow it. This damned brown noser. All he wanted was to gun him down. "Ash died for this and he wants to ground me. How man... I wish he was on Virmire, I would have tied him to the bomb..."

And the council... He can't blame them, really. They have to see the large picture, don't they? To see what the public reaction would be with an open war in the Terminus system based on the "dreams" of a human. Because people won't see that he is a Spectre, they will only see that he is from the kind which try to bully its way to the top of the ladder.

But sometimes, you have to be bold, you have to take the risk. What did they think when they found the first Mass Relay. Didn't they jump blindly into it? Every progress is made like this, because someone stick up his neck for it. He was ready to put his head right in Saren scope. They just have to give the green light and he would do it.

Once again, he puts his locker upside down, as if it could calm him. And he slips to the floor. On the other side of the room, Kaidan looks but doesn't move, his last talk with the commander still vivid in his memory.

_He knocks and the door slips open in a hiss. The commander is sitting against the wall, his head down. The room is a mess with furniture broken, papers all over the place. His uniform is tainted red where his wound were left unattended._

"_what do you want, Lieutenant?" Shepard says in a cold, soulless voice_

"_About the last mission..."He starts_

"_Stop right here, Lieutenant. There is no need to speak about it. We already have." His tone is definitive, yet Kaidan continues :_

"_With all due respect, Commander..."_

_With amazing speed, Shepard stands up and bull rushes Kaidan to the wall, his voice showing all the violence he is barely containing. _

"_Now you listen, soldier. I gave you orders on Virmire, orders you followed. If I would like to have Williams here? Hell yeah! But you know what, Lieutenant? I can't do a damn thing about it! So why don't you shut up, go back to your duty and show up when called upon?!" Shepard releases his grip, take a step back and storms out of the room, leaving Lieutenant Alenko in disbelief. Sure, he knew they were close. But he didn't imagine they were THAT close. To think that her death change the outgoing and open-minded Commander into a rigid straight puncher..._

On the floor, he collects his thoughts. No way Saren gets away. He lost too much chasing him. Jenkins first, and then Williams. He came close to loose Wrex too. When you think about it, it was already a bad omen. But they made it out, still. He can't come up with a scenario that save both Alenko and Williams. He made the right choice. Nevertheless, the pain still lingers, the hate piling up. Sure, instead of loosing all his unit, there was only one casualty. But it is one too much. This one should have never occurred.

"Ash..." He whispers

Sure, Williams' name is off the hook now. No more blacklist. She is scheduled to receive the highest medal you can posthumously get from the Alliance. And from what he heard from Kirrahe, she could also become the first human ever to be awarded a military price by an other race. What an accomplishment... But who cares, when you have nothing but an empty coffin to mourn?

Deep in his thoughts, he hears Joker and takes Wrex and Garrus with him to Flux. No more play by the Citadel rules. So when Anderson exposes his plan, he has to restrain his smile. "That's the spirit, Captain!"he thinks. "Go for Udina and please, give him some in my behalf!".

* * *

Once they takes off, everything happens through a gaze. The meeting with Toombs puts him further down. Then it is Ilos, the Conduit He is ruthless, his calm demeanor gone, his eyes as cold as dead. He lets the council die _"when the only way to survive a bear is to throw your dog at it and run, you do it, now matter how much you love it"_, remembering how they had reacted to every evidence he had given, how little credit he had despite all his efforts. And worst, despite the death of the finest woman and soldier he has ever met.

To the end, he was merciless crushing Saren. When Sovereign falls on him, a part of him wishes it is it. But it seems Death is afraid of him. Despite all his attempts, he is here, standing in the ruins of the Council tower. Sure, some ribs are in a bad shape, he will have to check up with Chakwas but no major injury. Amazing when you have gunned your way through approximately 80 stairs filled with geth, Krogan Warlords, Rocket towers, drop ship and "Saren turned AI" himself. He can't help but grin at the irony of the situation. He, of all the people, made it out alive. Not willingly that for sure. And with the look Udina throws at him, he is sure he is not alone.

After having appointed Anderson as the human representative, he storms out and goes back to the Normandy. He doesn't really want to go there, too many memories, but it is the only place he knows where he won't be harassed. He needs the peace, the calm...He needs to grieve

_2 or 3 more chapters to come to close the story. It will end with the introduction sequence of ME2 I think, no point in going further now that Ashley won't be in the game._


	3. Chapter 3 A Glass Full

_Disclaimer : I do not own any of mass effect. Wish I did though_

_Author note : 3rd chapter. I know some people read it but please leave a review to tell if you liked disliked it._

**Chapter Three**

**A glass full**

_Shepard, in a worn-out basic armor from Aldrin Labs he hadn't use since his days in the Academy, sit a a table in a bar._

I look around me. A bar, like any other. A station like any other. And like everywhere, I have to hide behind my visor to get myself drunk to death. Commander Shepard does not drink. Commander Shepard is the perfect soldier. But you know what? Commander Shepard does not give a shit about anything anymore...

_He chuckles as he remember the last few weeks, after he took down Saren._

The annoying thing about being the savior of the galaxy are multiple :

First, you are to parade in every damn outpost in the Galaxy, to meet politicians almost as disgusting as this Terra Firma guy. Well, the buffet are usually great, I am just a poster boy and they pay the trip. It gives some good time to the Normandy's crew, some well deserved shore leave after the strenuous run after Saren.

_He drinks his liquor straight and punches the glass into the table_

Second, you can not mourn, you can not grieve, you have no right do be sad. It is not even for my sake, but because others would falter. Because I "have a mission to accomplish". Damn Udina. Damn them all.

_The waitress bring another drink, which he swallows at once. The alcohol takes its toll and he enjoys it. As the missions grow duller, the adrenaline kick does not come as often. He is buried under paper work from the new council and the puppet master as he calls Admiral Hackett._

How nice would it be to kiss goodbye to all this? No more fight, hum, that wouldn't be good, would it? Well, I could enlist as a mercenary, it would be fun. With no one expecting anything from me, just a no name. Yeah, that would be great.

_He looks deeply at his empty glass. He came here to bring Williams' package to her family. _

"Hello, I'm Commander Shepard, I loved your daughter and sister with all my heart and I let her turn into ashes on Virmire to save my butt and others, but they don't give a damn..." Yeah, saying something like that would have been perfect. What did I expect? I just can't. What a hero!

_A woman sits in front of him_

"Taken" he says

_She doesn't move_

"Are you deaf? This is my friend's seat"

"Commander Shepard?"

"Do I look like a high ranked N7 officer? Now get lost..."

"Who are you waiting for?"

"Dead people. And you are not one of them" Will you move your ass and stop bugging me!

"What are you doing on Amaterasu?"

"None Of Your Business"_He finally raises his head to look at the woman across the table._

"Ash?"

_A sad smile appears briefly on her face. _Don't look at me with those eyes. I don't need your pity. The only thing I need, I killed it.

"Who are you?" I don't want to know, don't answer, please...

"Sarah Williams" Oh, shoot me now. I think I'm gonna be sick.

"Miss Williams..."

"I saw you standing in front of the door of the building when I came back this afternoon. I wondered who you were..."

"The murderer of your sister?" I say, grinning sarcastically.

_Smack! Several heads turn to the noise in the bar, a little gossip starts and vanished, while the two remains silenced, Shepard dumbstruck by the slap, Sarah, to contain her fury._

Ok. time to retreat, soldier, before getting killed.

I stand up, drop a few credits on the table, salute the woman as straight as I can and wobble to the door. But she don't want to let me go. She grabs my arm, turn me around and punch me straight. I love Williams' women...

"Stop this!" Her eyes are full of tears, and there is no more anger in it. Just pure sadness. I raise a hand and collect some on my thumbs as it makes it way down her face.

"Ash...shhh..."

"Why are you doing this to you?"

"You need a reason?" I mutter, with a deep voice, lost in thoughts and alcohol."What if I'm just tired? So tired I can't rest anymore. So tired that everything slowly fades to gray..."

Yes, give way to your sadness, to everything you hold back. A man can only endure so much. And I had my share.

"What would she say...seeing you like this?"comes from her shaking body...

"She'd probably kick my ass and throw me out there. Like you're doing right?"

I hit the wall and begin to slip...

"if you don't mind, I'm gonna rest for a while..."  
She watches,as I reach the ground...

A man can only endure so much. A glass full can only contain so much.


	4. Chapter 4 A Long Awaited Death

_Disclaimer : I do not own any of mass effect. Wish I did though_

_Author note :4th chapter. I know some people read it but please leave a review to tell if you liked/disliked it. and sorry for the time between the two chapters  
_

**Chapter Four**

**A long-awaited death**

I don't know how I came back to the Normandy. Alcohol is nice for a while but, well, when being a soldier is the only thing you can do, you go back to the basis. And after a week, a spaceship comes, out of the blue and So here I am, throwing Joker into the last escape pod. Joker screams when I'm trusted out of the entrance of the pod. I can't reach it. No way. See you, Helmsman, the captain never leaves his ship. The Normandy explodes, pushing me out, tumbling. The alarms of my suit pop up, one after the other as I try to reach for for the oxygen leak...And then, the calm settle and my memory goes back to Amaretsu.

It was awful. Being completely drunk in front of your would-have been sister-in-law is already damn hard. But waking up in a crouch with Ash's mother watching me is the most frightening thing I've ever experienced. Tresher maws don't cut it. The guilt came back... And I don't think I puked because of the drinks I had the previous night.

"_Ma'am..."_

"_Commander"_

"_About last night..."_

"_That's not what I want to hear, Commander"_

_If being court-marshaled feels just half as bad..._

"_What are you doing in Ameratsu?"_

_I suddenly find the floor particularly interesting, especially this little stain just beside my left foot_

"_Shore leave, ma'am"_

_Maybe if I piss her off, I'll just get thrown out..._

"_and?"_

_I should know better._

"_and what?"_

_Play dumb, that's perfect. Dumb and dumberer._

"_And you happen to drop by in front of the door of one of your fallen soldier's familly... Don't play with me son."_

_No threat in her tone. Just a plea for honesty from the wreck I am_

"_Well, I gathered Chief Williams stuff, thought you might want it back and..."_

"_and the Alliance can't do it by itself?" she says with the smallest hint of sarcasm... Boy, this one hurt. As mother, as daughter they say. And the booze hovering in my brain doesn't make things any easier... In the back of the room, I hear my omnitool beeping. Maybe I'll find a way out._

"_Excuse me, ma'am, but..."_

"_So eager to leave us, son?" with the saddest tone in her voice. During my time with the Reds, I would have killed to hear someone speak to me like this. It hurts. Honesty. Lying is so easy, so much less painful. But I owe Ash this at least. Suddenly, my mind is freed of the alcohol, there is just the usual sorrow and guilt gutting me. In a whisper, I start speaking..._

"_You read the report, ma'am. I picked up Ash in Eden Prime. Everything was a roller-coaster from then on. But her ... she was stubborn, hotheaded but I always felt in control with her by my side. Being with her was..."_

_She touches my cheek, whipping the tears that were running down my face without me realizing it. The contact electrifies me, jerks me out and for the first time since Virmire, I allow myself to let go._

"_I'm sorry ma'am... I'm so sorry..." and like a kid I melted _

I hope your God truly exist, Ash, because I'm coming back to you. And don't you leave my six... I love you...

And then pain, pain, and pain again

"On the screen, something is wrong"

"Oh my God Miranda, I think he is waking up!"


	5. Chapter 5 Finally, I'm coming home

_Eden Prime, 2 years after the Reapers were defeated_

I lay my hand on the exact ground where Jennings fell. I hum the air and the memories rush in. Saren is long gone. Kaidan died during the final bout. But the smells and the sounds are still with me, wherever I look. And then, this opening. You are here, fighting of geths with all the courage you can summon and…

_"God Damn it Shepard!"_  
_"Wake him up! Hurry!"_

I'm not on Eden Prime. I'm not holding my guns anymore Ash. Not even running wild to cover some teammate asses. Too much beating, too much pain and sorrow took its toll on me. I'm now barely able to walk. But they still need their "Hero of the Galaxy twice" for the PR job. And since you left, I'm hooked up with a medic 24/7… Suicidal behavior… You bet! Ain't nothing worth living for without you. Even the smartest/hottest chick human genes could create didn't interest me. Miranda had arguments though... I remember one night...

_"Commander!"_

They have to drug me, Ash, so that I don't feel too bad. So that I don't complain too much about being just a man on a leach. You wouldn't love me now. I'm just a shell of my old self. Garrus still comes from time to time. Mind you, he is in the Council now. Yeah, I know, quite doesn't fit the guy right? Well, from what I know, he has done a more than decent work there. I'm glad to see his scared face. For a few minutes, I feel like I could stand up again, be "Commander Shepard" again. And then the pain comes. First the bones, then the muscles and then you. In these moments, Ash, I hate you. I hate you as much as I hate this life. But then I remember. I remember our fights. I remember your mother. And, more important, I remember you.

They tried once to get me going saying "Do it for Williams". He, the guy just died on the spot. That was the last time they left me more than a pencil to sign autograph. No one can spoil you. They already have me, Ash. It is hard enough to wake up every morning and see him in the mirror. Him? Commander Shepard. The face, the scars, even the grin, it is still him. But inside, Ash, inside, I'm anything but dead. And every time, I'm reminded of what I was, what I could be. Then I turn and the limping begins.

You're not smiling to me anymore Ash. Your mother called me a quitter yesterday. That you'd never love me if you'd see me now. I think she is right. In the end, no matter who they want me to be, I need to follow my own path. It is what I had always done until they got me. The Alliance, the brass. I reach and call Garrus. He chuckles.  
_"Just like old times, hu"_

You're right, bud, just like old times. The day is set. I know they know. But I don't give a damn. Commander Shepard will go out with a bang.

I didn't expected him to bring the Normandy though. I knew that the crew mostly stayed together after the final bout. But to see them here. Joker managed quite a joke

_"Nice commander, now, I won't be the only cripple on board"_

Smart ass. I missed him. I take a sit close to him, EDI still roaming with him.

_"Take me to the SR1 site, Joker"_

What died should stay dead. I'm coming back where I belong.


End file.
